Few things truly matter to El Jefe de Santo like the Squred Circle, but one of his true passions is cinema. There are films that are marvelous works of artistic achievement and then there are those which could be considered crimes against humanity. There are those, however, that somehow transcend past being merely bad and become sublime. They are the movies that we love to watch that are just so horrendous that words can barely describe them. The Masked Wonder brings you yet another installment of..
That's right folks! Another installment of our award winning series* "So Bad Yet So Good". We've looked at a few classic 50's era crapfests in earlier editions but this week we turn to much more modern fare. If you are a Netflix subscriber you might have seen this one lurking about in the movie listings somewhere on the Instant Streaming section. You may have been intrigued by the title, or perhaps the vibrant image displaying what appears to be a..turkey? How fitting that the week of Thanksigiving we take a look at this low budget tour-de-force. It is almost as if I planned that, hmm? MAYBE?**
*We've won no awards. **He totally planned it.
A quick glance at the cover art, and I use the term "art" very loosely, should give you a glimpse of the wonders that await within the cinematic journey that is Thankskilling.
The movie is a low budget yet scrumtrulescent piece of cinematic magic. The kind of magic that has one liners like "Nice tits, bitch!" and "Gobble, Gobble, Motherfucker!". The director, Jordan Downey, managed to in his first feature length film create a timeless American classic that should be enjoyed by everyone. This of course is true only if you're a true afficinado of bad movies such as myself or just feel like punishing yourself for a while like after eating a bit too much pie at Thanksgiving! Perfect! Let's indulge our masochistic tendencies shall we?!
The opening scene involves a pilgrim, in the woods, all by her lonesome. She has no top on. Why? Who cares? TITS! We're introduced to our antagonist right away with a fantastic one liner and a kill right off the bat! Twenty seconds in and we have dead boobs and what is CLEARLY a turkey puppet wielding a hatchet. Fantastic.
So, it goes like this. The first Thanksgiving rolls around an Indian who is screwed over by a pilgrim puts a curse on a turkey and uses it as a tool of vengeance! Once the deed is done the turkey is to arise every 505 years to continue wreaking havoc. A hermit named Oscar and his dog Lassie come across a wooded area where an amulet has been buried in the grass for hundreds of years now. Lassie hikes the leg, awakens the bird and gets destroyed. He soon comes after Oscar but the hobo manages to flee.
We soon learn that this turkey is a fowl creature that dates back to the early days of the first Thanksgiving that, thanks to an Indian curse, is now evil, batshit crazy and is bent on just killing the Hell out of everyone. This leads to the reveal of our main cast for the duration. We have Kristen, the goody two shoes and her counterpart, Ali, the slutbag. There's Johnny, the backup QB, and Billy the podunk redneck of the group. He is kind of a fattie and enjoys eating at all times. It wouldn't be complete without the nerd! Darren, a book smart nerdy fellow who is Billy's best friend and is also our narrator for most of the story.
This movie is already pretty ri-god damned-diculous but this is where it starts to get really insane.
So, the turkey starts on his rampage. He goes after the kids mentioned earlier because he either hates white people or one of them is related to one of the pilgrims who wronged the Native American that put the curse on said turkey. It's rather unclear. Doesn't matter. We're not watching this for the scripting, but rather for the sweet one liners. This turkey is SERIOUSLY an asshole.
Long story short this turkey, in various and creative ways, kills pretty much everybody in the movie aside from the goody two shoes Kristen. That damn bird even manages to kill off their families too! He may be a jerk but he sure works hard!
It's probably the only movie I know where we get to see a turkey not only kill a woman but also have sex with said woman before. SURPRISE! There's even a gravy flavored condom joke thrown in for good measure. YES!
The kills are actually not bad considering just how cheaply made this movie is overall. The gore is surprisingly well done, well, except for a few scenes where they clearly just painted somebody's face red.
The turkey is clearly the smartest character in this whole movie and he even remarks, more than once, that "You kids are fucking retarded." It's warranted considering he kills Kristen's father, the Sherriff, rips off his face and wears it in front of her and FOOLS her into thinking it's her Dad though he's only a few feet tall. Seriously.
There is an AMAZING bromance montage stuck in this thing near the end that is well worth the cost of admission honestly. It is VERY reminiscent of something Trey Parker and Matt Stone might throw into a movie just not quite as articulate or well done but definitely laugh worthy nonetheless.
I, for some reason, couldn't find an image of it but there is also a scene where the turkey fools a man into pulling over on the side of the road, convinces him he's going to let the poor fellow have sex with said turkey for a ride then blows his head off. He then drives away like it's just a normal god damn Tuesday where a turkey can drive a god damned Oldsmobile. FUCK this is awesome.
It is mercifully short at just a little over an hour and is full of sight gags, cheesy dialogue and stilted horrific acting that is just hilarious. This was a real treat and I look forward to watching it again. I've included the trailer below because DAMN this movie needs to be experienced!
I also wanted to add that Jordan Downey managed to acquire enough financing to make a sequel. I know! I'm excited too! More turkey murders will occur. There will be gravy.. oh yes. There will be gravy.