It’s no secret that J Jonah Jameson is the greatest journalist of all time. Both Nick and Sam count themselves amongst his disciples, but have taken different paths in their quests to become the best damn Jonahs they can be. Sam has taken the path of the J.K. Simmons live-action Jonah, and has begun founding his own media empire and talking as fast as possible. Nick has opted instead for the way of comic book Jonah, and has set about having heart attacks and demanding pictures of Spider-Man from anyone who will listen. Both men have adopted Jonah’s love of Scotch, and his penchant for shouting at anyone named “Parker,” “Brant,” or especially “Urich.”

Now, for your amusement, the two Jonah’s answer the questions YOU asked (or, on slow weeks, the questions they made up like any good newspaper man would).


Interview conducted by me, Ben Urich. Lucky me.




Question #1: “So you’re really gonna keep doing this, huh?”

N. Jonah Jameson: What kind of question is that? We’re champions of truth! Justice! Freedom of the Press! We’ll keep doing this until that miserable webhead is shamed off the internet, and beyond! The truth needs a voice, and that voice sounds suspiciously like J.K. Simmons!

J. Sam Jameson: Of course we’re going to keep this up! There’s nothing that makes us happier than reminding the readers how devoted to integrity and moral journalistic fiber we both are! Actually, let me correct that. Nothing makes us happier than this AND rooting out filthy Spider-Man apologists from the citizenship of this great, mostly mask-free society!

Verdict: Yep, still really.                                                                                                                                                       

Question #2 “Fine, whatever you say. OK, people want to know which runs of X-Men you find particularly enjoyable and/or approachable by new readers?”

J. Sam Jameson: Now, that seems like it would be a fairly easy question to answer, with standbys like Chris Claremont’s legendary 1,000 year run on the title, or Matt Fraction’s current run that includes such innovations like name-dropping San Francisco locations that mean nothing to upstanding New York newspaper editors! I myself tend to prefer things like Morrison’s excellent New X-Men run that did something almost unheard of during Claremont’s aforementioned 10,000 year reign of darkness: innovate. He brought in great concepts like M-Town in New York, a burgeoning mutant culture, and the beginnings of actual integration of mutants around the world. He showed something near and dear to this editor’s cynical old heart, and that was tolerance and acceptance. Something that web-slinging menace will never understand while he terrorizes our fine city! I also think anything from Mike Carey’s exceptional run on X-Men Legacy, née X-Men, has been wonderful, and tied mostly into itself instead of larger world events, unlike the route Fraction has been taking.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  N. Jonah Jameson: I’ll admit, I’ve been largely ignorant of the X-books since the early nineties scared me off with a truly prodigious string of utter crap. At least I can take some solace in a fitting bit of eventual poetic justice; the creative team behind “Inferno” will, in fact, rot in Hell. Additionally, off all the so-called “X” characters that have seen print, I find maybe ten percent of them interesting, and thirty percent offensively dull or actively agitating. Storm’s got less personality than Urich and under most writers (Claremont and Priest being notable exceptions), she’s a shining example of tokenism at its worst. Having said that, in my limited exposure to the X-Titles, I enjoyed Grant Morrison’s run enormously, regardless of the Xorneto controversy that came afterwards. I’d say it’d be pretty new-reader friendly, as I enjoyed without having read an X-book in nearly a decade. Beyond that, I liked parts of Claremont’s dynasty, and Fraction’s doing mostly good work over in “Uncanny”, particularly with Magneto and his quest for redemption and acceptance. Like DC’s Harvey Dent, Magneto is much more interesting when he’s good, or at least conflicted, than he is as a monologuing villain, and I’m pleased to see they’ve returned to that approach. Morrison scripting Magneto as a terrorist made sense conceptually, but I’m glad it ultimately got overturned as it allows us to focus on the real terrorist threat in our country today: Spider-Man!

 
J. Sam Jameson: French Nickler, I need to absolutely disagree that Claremont’s hellish 100,000 year tyranny over the X-titles was anything but terrible. I mean, I’ll give you Dark Phoenix, only because that meant he had created a character capable of erasing Spider-Man AND Urich’s constant sobbing from existence with no effort, but still. The man starts his run with a short, hairy Canadian hitting on other men’s girlfriends and hanging out with 13 year old girls, and tells us he’s the role model?! The last time we were told to worship a creep so enthusiastically, we ended up accidentally making Tobey Maguire a box office star. And I will not condone that sort of behavior!

N. Jonah Jameson: I more or less agree, but Dark Phoenix was a master course in “event” books, and there’s decent Wolverine and Nightcrawler bits sprinkled throughout the run. Plus, he made that Summers chump cry, and that’s always good for a laugh. For your consideration, a list of people I enjoy watching cry:

1) Urich, pretty much whenever.
2)  Parker, when I turn down his terrible photos of anything that’s not Spider-Man.
3) Summers, whenever one of his girlfriends tries to destroy the world and/or dies. Happens more often than you’d think.
4) Ben Reilly, just because he looks like Parker.
5) Urich again.

J. Sam Jameson: Haha! You remember that time we bought the voice muffler on the company card and called Urich’s desk to tell him Fisk was back in town?

N. Jonah Jameson: Fondly. I send him videotape of his panicked phonecalls to his loved ones (by which I assume I mean escorts and the guy who runs the mini-mart) every year on his birthday.

J. Sam Jameson: Very nice! I like to send him copies of his X-Rays from that weird Daredevil thing he was whining about in ‘86 every Valentine’s Day.

Verdict: The Jonahs are jerks.
 

“Question #3: If you could bring back one recently cancelled book, what would it be?”

N. Jonah Jameson: Slott’s Mighty Avengers was the best team book I’d seen in years. Not only was it a fun, fast paced book with a likable cast (mostly; I’ve got no use for Stature and her ceaseless, Parker-esque whining), it also had some great character work with Hank Pym. First time in a long time he’s been written with any depth; most recent writers seems to fixate on that one time he hit his wife. Don’t get me wrong, I think hitting women is deplorable and unconscionable in the extreme, even in spite of Miss Brant’s best efforts to provoke me, but there’s fifty years worth of Hank Pym stories, and that’s just one of ‘em. Slott took the guy in an interesting new direction, and the character was better for it. Bonus points for the Infinite Mansion which is, for my money, the best superhero clubhouse we’ve ever seen. Additional credit for great use of both Loki and Ultron, and for that matter Absorbing Man and Norman Osborne, who are all fantastic villains too often used as crutch by crappy writers. And the Hercules + Cho combination is never bad news. The book also had a refreshingly global feel, with adventures in China and Europe as often as New York. All in all, it was a solid run with a lot to like that ended way too soon and a significantly better read than the litany of current Avengers books, which range from “mediocre” to “bad’ to “ambitiously and impressively terrible”.

 
J. Sam Jameson: This answer is going to anger and/or confound almost all of you, but I was flabbergasted when they cancelled Vengeance of the Moon Knight. It was taking the character in some new places and was putting a new spin on Marc Spector’s multiple personality disorder that you don’t often see played with when talking about grown men and women that have secret lives and lie to their loved ones and citizens of beautiful metropolises that have to deal with their dangerous habits! I also miss The Immortal Iron Fist and the outstanding pulpy tones that had been introduced to the character of Danny Rand.

Verdict: They seem to have picked the punchiest of vigilantes.
 

 
“Question #4: What would you do if you found out a member of the Zeitgeeks staff is Spider-Man?”

J. Sam Jameson: WHAT?! I TRUSTED THEM! WHO’S BEEN WEARING RED AND BLUE FETISHWEAR AND SLINGING WEBS BEHIND MY BACK?! YOU’RE ALL FIRED!! GET MY SPIDER-GUN!! DADDY JAMESON’S BRINGING THE HAMMER DOWN!!!

N. Jonah Jameson: Fire them! Ruin them! Expose their naked lies to the whole world! Unless it’s Urich. Nothing naked of Urich’s should be exposed to anyone.

Verdict: I’m glad I’m not secretly Spider-Man.  

Ok, that’s all the time we have for today. The Jamesons do, however, have a request, and whoever delivers gets their question in the next Jonah vs. Jonah no matter how “stupid or Spider-Friendly” it is:

N. Jonah Jameson: We need pictures! Pictures of Spider-Man! Being crushed by a hammer!

Send your questions (and pictures, if you got ‘em) to:  zeitgeeks@gmail.com
Make sure to include Jonah v Jonah or JvJ in the subject or at least towards the top of the page
All characters and issues are copyright their respective owners. Special thanks to fellow zeitgeeks contributors and now Spider-suspects Jeff and Jake for the questions.
Posted
AuthorSam Hurt