It’s no secret that J Jonah Jameson is the greatest journalist of all time. Both Nick and Sam count themselves amongst his disciples, but have taken different paths in their quests to become the best damn Jonahs they can be. Sam has taken the path of the J.K. Simmons live-action Jonah, and has begun founding his own media empire and talking as fast as possible. Nick has opted instead for the way of comic book Jonah, and has set about having heart attacks and demanding pictures of Spider-Man from anyone who will listen. Both men have adopted Jonah’s love of Scotch, and his penchant for shouting at anyone named “Parker,” “Brant,” or especially “Urich.”
Now, for your amusement, the two Jonah’s answer the questions YOU asked (or, on slow weeks, the questions they made up like any good newspaper man would).
Interview conducted by me, Ben Urich. Lucky me.
Question #1: “So you’re really gonna keep doing this, huh?”
N. Jonah Jameson: What kind of question is that? We’re champions of truth! Justice! Freedom of the Press! We’ll keep doing this until that miserable webhead is shamed off the internet, and beyond! The truth needs a voice, and that voice sounds suspiciously like J.K. Simmons!
J. Sam Jameson: Of course we’re going to keep this up! There’s nothing that makes us happier than reminding the readers how devoted to integrity and moral journalistic fiber we both are! Actually, let me correct that. Nothing makes us happier than this AND rooting out filthy Spider-Man apologists from the citizenship of this great, mostly mask-free society!
Verdict: Yep, still really.
Question #2 “Fine, whatever you say. OK, people want to know which runs of X-Men you find particularly enjoyable and/or approachable by new readers?”
J. Sam Jameson: Now, that seems like it would be a fairly easy question to answer, with standbys like Chris Claremont’s legendary 1,000 year run on the title, or Matt Fraction’s current run that includes such innovations like name-dropping San Francisco locations that mean nothing to upstanding New York newspaper editors! I myself tend to prefer things like Morrison’s excellent New X-Men run that did something almost unheard of during Claremont’s aforementioned 10,000 year reign of darkness: innovate. He brought in great concepts like M-Town in New York, a burgeoning mutant culture, and the beginnings of actual integration of mutants around the world. He showed something near and dear to this editor’s cynical old heart, and that was tolerance and acceptance. Something that web-slinging menace will never understand while he terrorizes our fine city! I also think anything from Mike Carey’s exceptional run on X-Men Legacy, née X-Men, has been wonderful, and tied mostly into itself instead of larger world events, unlike the route Fraction has been taking.
N. Jonah Jameson: I more or less agree, but Dark Phoenix was a master course in “event” books, and there’s decent Wolverine and Nightcrawler bits sprinkled throughout the run. Plus, he made that Summers chump cry, and that’s always good for a laugh. For your consideration, a list of people I enjoy watching cry:
1) Urich, pretty much whenever.
2) Parker, when I turn down his terrible photos of anything that’s not Spider-Man.
3) Summers, whenever one of his girlfriends tries to destroy the world and/or dies. Happens more often than you’d think.
4) Ben Reilly, just because he looks like Parker.
5) Urich again.
J. Sam Jameson: Haha! You remember that time we bought the voice muffler on the company card and called Urich’s desk to tell him Fisk was back in town?
N. Jonah Jameson: Fondly. I send him videotape of his panicked phonecalls to his loved ones (by which I assume I mean escorts and the guy who runs the mini-mart) every year on his birthday.
J. Sam Jameson: Very nice! I like to send him copies of his X-Rays from that weird Daredevil thing he was whining about in ‘86 every Valentine’s Day.
Verdict: The Jonahs are jerks.
“Question #3: If you could bring back one recently cancelled book, what would it be?”
N. Jonah Jameson: Slott’s Mighty Avengers was the best team book I’d seen in years. Not only was it a fun, fast paced book with a likable cast (mostly; I’ve got no use for Stature and her ceaseless, Parker-esque whining), it also had some great character work with Hank Pym. First time in a long time he’s been written with any depth; most recent writers seems to fixate on that one time he hit his wife. Don’t get me wrong, I think hitting women is deplorable and unconscionable in the extreme, even in spite of Miss Brant’s best efforts to provoke me, but there’s fifty years worth of Hank Pym stories, and that’s just one of ‘em. Slott took the guy in an interesting new direction, and the character was better for it. Bonus points for the Infinite Mansion which is, for my money, the best superhero clubhouse we’ve ever seen. Additional credit for great use of both Loki and Ultron, and for that matter Absorbing Man and Norman Osborne, who are all fantastic villains too often used as crutch by crappy writers. And the Hercules + Cho combination is never bad news. The book also had a refreshingly global feel, with adventures in China and Europe as often as New York. All in all, it was a solid run with a lot to like that ended way too soon and a significantly better read than the litany of current Avengers books, which range from “mediocre” to “bad’ to “ambitiously and impressively terrible”.
Verdict: They seem to have picked the punchiest of vigilantes.
J. Sam Jameson: WHAT?! I TRUSTED THEM! WHO’S BEEN WEARING RED AND BLUE FETISHWEAR AND SLINGING WEBS BEHIND MY BACK?! YOU’RE ALL FIRED!! GET MY SPIDER-GUN!! DADDY JAMESON’S BRINGING THE HAMMER DOWN!!!
N. Jonah Jameson: Fire them! Ruin them! Expose their naked lies to the whole world! Unless it’s Urich. Nothing naked of Urich’s should be exposed to anyone.
Verdict: I’m glad I’m not secretly Spider-Man.
Ok, that’s all the time we have for today. The Jamesons do, however, have a request, and whoever delivers gets their question in the next Jonah vs. Jonah no matter how “stupid or Spider-Friendly” it is:
N. Jonah Jameson: We need pictures! Pictures of Spider-Man! Being crushed by a hammer!
Send your questions (and pictures, if you got ‘em) to: email@example.com
Make sure to include Jonah v Jonah or JvJ in the subject or at least towards the top of the page
All characters and issues are copyright their respective owners. Special thanks to fellow zeitgeeks contributors and now Spider-suspects Jeff and Jake for the questions.