It’s no secret that J Jonah Jameson is the greatest journalist of all time. Both Nick and Sam count themselves amongst his disciples, but have taken different paths in their quests to become the best damn Jonahs they can be. Sam has taken the path of the J.K. Simmons live-action Jonah, and has begun founding his own media empire and talking as fast as possible. Nick has opted instead for the way of comic book Jonah, and has set about having heart attacks and demanding pictures of Spider-Man from anyone who will listen. Both men have adopted Jonah’s love of Scotch, and his penchant for shouting at anyone named “Parker,” “Brant,” or especially “Urich.”
Now, for your amusement, the two Jonah’s answer the questions YOU asked (or, on slow weeks, the questions they made up like any good newspaper man would).
Interview conducted by me, Ben Urich. Lucky me.
J. Sam Jameson: Of course I’m looking forward to it! Why wouldn’t I be?! Snyder proved to us in his latest film Sucker Punch that he has the chops for big set pieces, well choreographed fight scenes between people above and beyond the human baseline, and larger than life characters! It’ll have action! It’ll have drama! People say the best Superman stories are about inner turmoil, and sometimes I agree. And the rest of the time, I want to see him beat the tar out of Braniac or Zod, you hear me?! If I’m watching Superman in the theaters, I’m going to want to see fists flying! Heat vision heating! Arctic breath freezing! It’ll bring the house down!
N. Jonah Jameson: …
Oh, sorry, dozed off for a moment there when someone said “Zack Snyder”. If I wanted nothing but pointless explosions, scantily clad women, and characters with no depth, I’d hang around that Cable hooligan and his band of forgettable teenage mutants! Snyder doesn’t understand the basic keys to good filmmaking, things like characterization, or pacing, or not being terrible at your job. He’s like Parker shooting anything that’s not Spider-Man: completely out of his element, obvious, and difficult to be in the room with. Expect the Man of Steel to be slower than a growing mullet, less powerful than a vegematic, able to bore large audiences in a single scene!
J. Sam Jameson: Well, naturally, a question of this nature is going to lead to a difference of opinions. The key difference here is, my opinion is the right one! From what I can gather, you’re using the same method of criticism everyone else who didn’t see the movie but wants to be cool too uses. How about you be a real newspaperman next time and actually watch the movie before you form some sort of monstrosity Frankenstein opinion from everyone else’s reviews! As for your imaginary shallowness, I’ll remind everyone that Michael Bay put BLACKFACE AND BALLS ON ROBOTS!! I think we’re losing perspective between a woman using a sword to stab a dragon and a multi-hundred-million dollar blockbuster using powerful rendering farms to put racist makeup on talking cars. For the love of god, his movies are not as bad as everyone says they are!! As for Superman, I’m going to say this, and you’re going to disagree with me even though I’m right because the truth makes you uncomfortable: it will be better than that Richard Donner snorefest we got in the ‘78! Snyder himself does what he can with the material he is presented. He gives us a decent zombie movie because Dawn of the Dead was ok..for its time. He gives us a barely tolerable Watchmen movie because the source material itself is barely tolerable. He gave us an interesting and creative movie he wrote himself. If I’m going to watch a mashup of genres, I’ll take World War One, dragons, and robot samurai over George Michael Bluth meets Legend Of Zelda! You know what Snyder’s biggest crime is? He’s too smart to use irony!
N. Jonah Jameson: Don’t you challenge my credibility while you make assumptions about my opinions, you admittedly handsome hack! I haven’t seen his latest turd and it didn’t factor in to my assessments of his other terrible films. The hallmarks of a Snyder “movie” - and the term is used with utmost sarcasm - are a complete lack of character or subtletly, and an overabundance of cheap visual “thrills” and over-sexualized women who’ve opted for cleavage over character. For Dawn of the Dead to have been ok for its time, it would have to come out after the heat death of the universe, because as long as another movie exists to compare it to, it’s crap. Watchmen was tolerable in the same sense that time spent in a POW camp is tolerable; you can live through it, but you’re not keen or repeating the experience. 300 was the pick of his litter, but the litter was inbred. Sure, the Donner flicks don’t age well and you’d have to pay me to watch them... but you’d have to pay me a lot more to sit through Watchmen again. And while Michael Bay is no master filmmaker, and has produced/directed some of the worst garbage of the last two decades, he’s at least got The Rock on his resume, which is better than all of Snyder’s output combined by an order of magnitude too high for anyone without several post-graduate degrees in theoretical mathematics to calculate! Twice before the man’s been given a comic book movie, and twice before he’s shit the bed, then made a point to roll around in it. Crap is what he’s done, crap is what he does, crap is what he always will do.
J. Sam Jameson: HA!! Caught you in your own web!! You haven’t seen Sucker Punch, or you would know there’s no hypersexualization!! Again, HA! No coy fanserive shots! No seductive cloth tears in suggestive places! The clothes on these women remain intact for the duration of the film! And I meant the original Dawn of the Dead was only ok. Romero himself is a one trick pony, and that trick is called Riding Richard Matheson’s Coattails. As for characterization, these women present themselves as sick of their situation and hopeless when we meet them, slowly morphing into steady, resilient heroines who are willing to risk their lives for each other and die for each other, as any good ensemble action cast should!
N. Jonah Jameson: First of all, if you ever use a web-related metaphor in my office again, expect a face full of scalding coffee. And if Miss Brant’s behind on the coffee, I’ll make due with beating you with a stapler. Second of all, I haven’t seen Sucker Punch so I can’t speak to it, but even if everything you say is true (and it’s not; I’ve seen the trailers and those women aren’t exactly modestly clothed), that puts him at 1 for 4, which is absolutely terrible, and leaves him 0 for 2 on comic book movies, which is even worse. Third of all, if you don’t want people to misunderstand your meaning, then write more clearly. No wonder you like Snyder; neither one of you can get your point across with any finesse.
Verdict: Sucker Punch may be worth seeing. Superman won’t be. Unless you’re Sam, apparently.
Question #2:“Do you have any sort of excitement after the news of Aquaman getting the next patented Geoff Johns Rebirth?”
J. Sam Jameson: HELL’S BELLS, ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME THE WORLD’S FIRST DISGUST HEART ATTACK?! It’s going to be full of that fake, idiotic “nostalgia” Johns has for comics published before he was an unoriginal twinkle in his old man’s eye! We can’t just have something new and interesting, like Arthur Curry being a new version of Arthur of Camelot, can we? No, new ideas are just too damn risky for this business of making money off public enemies dressed in red and blue tights!
N. Jonah Jameson: Arthur Curry was a dud, but Johns’ll make things even worse. The man’s a Snyder-level hack, and his shortsighted attempts to combine Silver-Age two dimensional characters with nineties era violence and shock value falls flat on its face more often than not. People eat it up for reasons I can’t guess at, but the fact is the man’s hack-work over the last five or six years (believe it or not, there was a time when he was competent) drives me to drink. Peter David showed us that Aquaman could be fascinating, and now Geoff Johns will do everything he can to change our minds. In that, I have no doubt he’ll succeed.
J. Sam Jameson: Here’s my biggest problem with this abomination of an idea: Grant Morrison and Kurt Busiek have both given writers great lead-ins to expanding on the Aquaman mythos even after Veitch tried to make him the new steward of the Lady of the Lake. Busiek gave us underwater Conan, and Morrison, in less than a full page of comic, turned him into some sort of last-minute sea Jesus. What do we get from Johns? His other hand is cut off! Oh my, can our inferior minds possibly keep up with these break-neck twists and turns of the plot?! Yes, and I’ll tell you how. Balvenie 12-Year Doublewood, that’s how!
Verdict: If anyone can screw up a character with this much untapped potential, it’ll be Johns.
Question #3: *siiiiiiiiigh* “Just how terrible is Urich? Please elaborate on your answers.”
N. Jonah Jameson: BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! HAHAHAH! *phew* HHAHAHAHAHAH.
Oh, you were serious?
Well, he’s- BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
J. Sam Jameson: Imagine a reporter! He starts out young, idealistic, quick on the draw! He’s eager to work, and hungry for the truth! He won’t take no for an answer, and he’ll kick down the doors of corruption because he’s going to illuminate this dark city with the type of justice that only a typewriter and notebook can provide! Are you following me here, Nick?
N. Jonah Jameson: BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Heh. Haha. HAHAHAHAHAAH!
Heh. Sure, I’m following you.
J. Sam Jameson: Now imagine that 35 years later, that reporter is in charge of the best paper this city has ever seen, and I’m faced with the prospect of either having to hire a reporter who’s afraid of the sight of his own blood AND high velocity staplers, whines about human resources all the time, and can’t get out of bed without using his very depression itself to kill the innocence of the closest puppy, OR, I get to watch him cry and snot all over Ms. Brant’s predecessor’s desk because I won’t give him a break into the business! That’s what Urich is. He’s the joy assassin! He’s like Bullseye, except instead of Greek women, he kills the very reason to try and make the world a better place! Over and over. Daily.
N. Jonah Jameson: Heh. Urich is forty gallons of sad in a ten gallon hat, and he got the hat used! Urich’s house is where ambition and charisma go to die. Urich is the man women avoid internet dating for fear of meeting. I’ll admit, Urich had an original thought once, it’s true; he stole it from me! He’s some sort of vaguely man-shaped bag of pathetic, loneliness, and senility. I think A.I.M. grew him in a lab as part of a plan to depress Captain America into surrender.
Verdict: Proof that happiness cannot exist without a man-shaped hole of sad in the skin of the universe itself!
Question #4: “Which is better? Scotch or a jailed Spider-Man?”
J. Sam Jameson: Oh this answer is easy! A Spider-Man caught red-handed trying to steal my scotch! We get him in the slammer AND finally prove what an apocalyptically bad example he is for out children! A drunk! A thief! A menace!
N. Jonah Jameson: I’d give up drinking to put Spider-Man in jail, only as soon as he got there, I’d be compelled to drink to his incarceration. Hard to go wrong with either choice, here, though a Spider-Man crushed by a Scotch-dispensing Spider Slayer might be the best option on the board.
Verdict: Making us choose is cruel and unusual. Men of our stature demand both!
Ok, that’s all the time we have for today. The Jamesons do, however, have a request, and whoever delivers gets their question in the next Jonah vs. Jonah no matter how “stupid or Spider-Friendly” it is:
J. Sam Jameson: We need pictures! Pictures of Spider-Man! Being hit with a bottle of scotch!
Send your questions (and pictures, if you got ‘em) to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Make sure to include Jonah v Jonah or JvJ in the subject or at least towards the top of the page
All characters and issues are copyright their respective owners. Special thanks to fellow zeitgeeks contributor and now suspected scotch thief Jeff for the questions.